3/4/11

On The Edge of Spring Break

My Table Is Here!
The last five weeks or so have been odd. It started out with a strong reason to believe I might be pregnant. You know, one of those accidental lapses in judgment that leaves you holding your breath for as long as it takes to know if you need to buy a bigger vehicle.

Well, for the following three weeks I felt queasy every afternoon, exhausted and lethargic in the early evening, and a tad bit more emotional than usual. I was seriously convinced that this was round three. I couldn't remember when my last cycle was so I was taking a pregnancy test every two days. I think I went through six of them. All negative.

Still the nausea and fatigue kept up and I tried not to get a little excited as all of the familiar feelings of pregnancy set in. I have felt it at least two weeks before tests will confirm it every time before but was still pretty aware of how uncertain these early weeks can be. I finally figured out the first day of my last cycle based off of a specific feminine needs product purchased at Walgreens on the same day (thank you, online banking) and was still a week away from possibly seeing a positive test.

Three weeks of hanging in limbo and thinking you know but not having confirmation can make a girl crazy. Without wanting to go into too much detail, I had some signs of my cycle show up a few days early and decided all of that nausea and fatigue was just exhaustion or some bug. Then I read online that you can have some signs of your cycle without it being your cycle. I wasn't having any cramping so it made sense. I got a little hopeful again. I drove to Walgreens for my last two tests. The first one was negative. I waited three more days. The second one was negative.

I gave it up. I decided my body may have been headed that direction but something didn't take early on and things got flushed out with the regular run of things. I couldn't help but be both relieved and extremely sad. I still had nausea and fatigue and really strong emotions for another week which was probably just the hormones in my body winding down. I didn't know what to label what had happened or whether to trust my body in what it was telling me since I didn't have any proof. Proof being a plus sign on a stick.

It happens to lots of women and they don't even know. Mostly I realized I really do want another child. Brett and I have this little time line of when we can start trying again but we know it's not completely in our control. In the meantime I'm hoping to get back to a weight that feels healthier. Which brings me to the last week...

A few days after I started finally feeling good again (no more nausea or fatigue) Brett proposed that we start a new eating plan. It's called the Paleo plan and basically shows you how to eat healthy, unprocessed foods to have higher energy levels, lose weight, and shift your body's chemistry from acid to alkaline. There are a ton of diets out there and I'm not into dieting but I knew this one would help me reshape my eating habits in a way that would bring positive changes and, with some modifications, become a new lifestyle.

No refined sugar, grains, or dairy. This means no creamer in my coffee.

Yeah.

So, we've been drinking lots of tea, eating lean meats, hard boiling eggs, having big salads full of vegetables, and enjoying lots of Lara bars. The first three days I felt hungry and unsatisfied. The next two days I felt like I had the flu but wasn't as hungry. Yesterday I finally felt great and even though I haven't lost much weight yet, my body feels better. We're hoping to keep this up for a few more weeks to reap the benefits and then who knows what modifications we'll make after that. It feels exciting, though!


Needless to say, the last five weeks I've been feeling pretty yucky, which has led to a shift in priorities and how much time I spend blogging. This warmer weather has shown up in Missouri just in time. Like a consolation prize or something.

I felt insecure about sharing my three weeks in limbo but wanted to let you know where my head has been lately. I'm looking forward to a fun weekend at home working on projects (and hopefully answering a few e-mails). Spring break starts today for us!!!

Thanks so much for your presence here.

xoxo,
Rachel


50 comments:

elise blaha said...

oh boy. That sounds rough. I can't imagine the not knowing, yet sort of hoping, yet scary feeling. (Though, I imagine someday I'll be there too.)

Thinking about you on this diet. I hope it keeps getting better!

corrina darling said...

thank you for sharing your limbo story. i know i've had at least one "i think i was but didn't have a chance to confirm it" moments. it's comforting to hear someone describe having a similar experience when it's so seldom talked about.

Brianne said...

My word... I haven't commented on your blog before but reading this I new I had to, even if it was just to give you a virtual *hug*. Your last weeks sound so painful! I hope the new way of eating really turns into something fantastic for ya- I'm doing something similar. Thanks for sharing with us, Rachel. :')

xo,
Brianne

Katie said...

That's definitely a hard place to be. We struggled to get pregnant the first time around, and so when I was late a couple months ago I was giddy at the thought that we might have #2. I never got a positive test either, but still feel like I knew that I was and it didn't stick. Sucks. I feel your pain for sure.

aubrey said...

I am glad you are feeling better (and congratulations for sticking to that diet! tough!) That thinking maybe but not knowing is so tough. I had a similar blip, and the disappointment mixed with relief, convinced me I did want more than one kid. We just added a son to our family, and amusingly, I didn't find out we were pregnant from one of the tests I had waiting in the cabinet.

Christina said...

*big hugs* ALmost this exact same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. :( I am so sorry, I understand the heartbreak. Unfortunately, for us, we have been actively trying for another for a while now. I just want to send you big hugs and thank you so much for sharing this... it really makes me feel like I'm not totally alone!

otisarmstrong said...

First of all, I love your blog, and I find your honesty so inspiring,and you are one of the few bloggers out there who come across as genuine :) In regards to your new diet... My doctor recently put me on, what I call, the "No Wheat-No Dairy-No Sugar-No Fun" diet, and it sounds very similar to what you and your family are trying... It was really hard at first, and the biggest adjustment was life without cheese. BUT, even after just few days, I started to feel like a completely different person! As for the coffee issue- Try SILK brand Dark Chocolate Almond milk... I found it does the trick to replace milk/creamer. Good luck, with everything!

Heather said...

Oh Rachel. I'm sending you some love and hugs and happy thoughts.
Thinking of you xxxx

Becky said...

Rachel, thank you so much for being willing to share a peek into your life. I think it will be comforting for readers who have had similar experiences.

And congrats on the new eating plan! It sounds like things are starting to get better. Hopefully March is your month!

Mariah said...

Oh, the limbo. I know it well. And you're right... It's great for showing you how you REALLY feel about another baby chick in your nest.

Amy said...

feeling in limbo sucks in all forms. i constantly have to remind myself that i will be standing around one day doing something random and i'll realize that i have been "fast forwarded" out of it. it definitely helps keep the gray of not knowing from turning gloomy.

have an awesome, quality spring break! and i wish you well on this diet as i know a few people who are on it now and they are loving it.

Stacy said...

i've thought i was pregnant before when i wasn't too. it's hard not knowing and then starting to hope... just wanted to say that whether you posted once a month or once a day i would read your blog regardless, so just take care of yourself and your family and good luck with eating better!

rubberduckiecreations said...

Rachel - thank you for your honesty and sharing. You are a beautiful strong woman and I constantly refer people to your blog if they need a pick-me-up. please take some time for you and make sure to give yourself allowances for all of your emotions. Big hugs!

iva said...

Paleo Diet!
I actually started a month ago since I attend a box gym called Crossfit and it's really intense. At first it was difficult since you're so used to eating grains all the time. After a while it's not diet anymore its sort of a lifestyle. You automatically shed fat, have more energy, and the best part is that it's not a diet where you eat salad all the time and starve yourself. I'm really happy that you're doing it! It's the best change I've done so far!

miss carys said...

That's so funny, because I have been feeling funny too (our second kids are within a month of each other) and thought I was pregnant too. A little earlier than I had hoped. Don't think I am, but still feel slow and grody even though I feel like I am eating decently and exercising. I think I should blame it on a new pill. Who knows.

Sorry for the rant, but you're not alone. I will so happy for you when God decides it's Baby 3 time.

Congrats, good luck, and enjoy the weather and your 1st two.

Sarah

Catherine Denton said...

I HATE limbo. Glad you got some resolution. And good for you on eating healthier. I need a dose of that!

Posts like these leave me feeling connected to the world on heart level. Thanks for sharing so openly.
My Blog

Taxidermy Worms said...

I just started reading your blog a few days ago and wanted to let you know that not only do I love your blog in general, but this post really hit home. I've had experiences that I'm so sure were actual pregnancies that just didn't take in time for a positive id. It's rough on many levels... but the fact that your intuition tells you that you have something very real to mourn, your logical side makes you feel guilty for mourning because you never really knew scientifically speaking.

I am so glad you shared this, it must have been difficult to do and I thank you for your courage to do so. I'm sure there are so many more woman out there experiencing this or having had experienced it, and it is a true comfort to know you're not crazy.

You've got a new lifetime reader here!

Linnie Joy said...

I have been there OH SOOOOO many times, we have a hard time getting preggers... i didnt really have many preggo symptoms with my son, so that makes it double hard to know!!

as for the diet change i have a hubby who wants to do a more greek diet, probably because he's greek...

Tania Shaw said...

Sending you lots of loving thoughts Rachel!! Here's to a new spring!

delliechan said...

I know exactly how you've felt, I've been trying for 5 years to have our second child. I found out I have PCOS about a month ago as well as Poly-cystic ovaries both of which mean sustaining a pregnancy can be very difficult.

There have been many times in the last 5 years that I have felt strong feelings of pregnancy to be let down by a heavy period. ( sorry for too much information....)

I know that feeling of excitement that you almost don't want to let yourself feel in fear that its nothing, but at the same time in the back of your mind you cant help it.

Just never give up hope ( not that you really would), but just know that it will happen when the time is right and your body is ready.

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry you've felt badly. I've been there. I hope you continue to feel better.

I've just heard of that diet recently. Let us know how it goes.

Kayla said...

Hi, I've never commented here before but after reading this post I just felt like I had to- I've a group of weeks before like that, I was actually so excited and unsure, then really disappointed but (kind of) relieved when I wasn't..I have to say it was a very strange mix of emotions, I cried when it was sure that I wasn't. =). The paleo diet sounds similar to something I have done (and wish I had stuck to) in the past. I used to visit cavemanpower.com-- I lost a good amount of weight following it..I just should have stuck to it. After the first couple of days of being hungry and sluggish ended up feeling awesome! Anyway, sending love your way!
--Kayla
kholcombe235@yahoo.com
http://kayla-heartonmysleeve.blogspot.com/

pureSunday said...

thanks for your honesty. it's refreshing when i read something real.

the funny thing is... while i was reading the first couple paragraphs, i was already thinking about suggesting a gluten or grain free diet! the same thing happened to me this past winter, so i went gluten free for a few weeks, and then grain free in the past week or so. except it's terrible when your hormones/emotions creep up on you - i cheated too often for my liking! but i know you have a great support system around you :)

if it's ok to pass on some recommendations... i actually read dr.mercola's book Total Health Program which has tons of ingredient-accessible recipes.. and watching the oils - taking fish oil, and cooking with coconut oil (which can be found cheap with Tropical Traditions). good luck rachel!

sarahjane said...

We have two kids (our daughter is 2 weeks younger than yours!), and, I'm not kidding, I have had a very similar thing going on the past few weeks--nausea, fatigue, headaches, muscle pain. I thought I was going crazy!

thursday said...

We were thinking that I was pregnant this month. It was a sort of crazy period. And to make it worse Jesse was on the road during the most uncertain of the times. I was pretty excited at first; who doesn't love a newborn. But then I remember the reality of our newborn days and I was completely terrified. Now I'm realizing that I'm just missing some parts of the newborn days. I suffered from some pretty bad PPD and I often feel like I missed out on a lot because of the depression.

Anyway Rachel I'm glad things are beginning to sort themselves out. Although I rarely (if ever) practice healthy eating habits, I know that it can make a world of a difference in your mind and body. Good luck continuing on with it! <3

Arian said...

Thanks for your honesty and openness. Your past couple weeks sound like my past couple weeks so thanks for sharing.

jozen said...

I am a regular reader of your blog, but do not comment as often as i should but this time i had to since i am in awe that you wrote about this, since it seems like i am going thought that EXACT same thing. at first, i thought i was pregnant as well... but i know that i am not. i may have to re-look at my diet as well.

thanks for sharing.

Amy said...

Thank you for sharing this.
I too went through this when trying for our first baby. Because we were *trying* I was charting and all that jazz, and this also happened to me. My doctor confirmed it when I showed her all the charts. So positive sign or not, you know your own body. And it's icky and rollercoastery all at the same time. I hope you feel better, and best of luck with the new eating plan! I know i could use one!

Nicole said...

So sorry you've been having a rough few weeks, Rachel! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, and good luck with the Paleo plan!

Nina said...

Rachel, don't suffer and drink your coffee black. Pick up some coconut milk creamer! link You'll be impressed with how delicious it really is (and no, it doesn't taste like coconut!). You can buy it at Mama Jean's. Good luck on your diet. :)

Crissy said...

this may sound weird but I really do enjoy how you insert tidbits of your personal life into your blog. It mixes so seamlessly with the rest of your ventures, I love it. I too have experienced that "limbo" it is trying to deal with.

Rae said...

wow girl, you go! Congrats on taking a new healthy direction, and realizing so many things about what you want. Scary, real, and honest. Thanks!

Maggie said...

the new healthy eating sounds great, after a while you wont want to eat processed foods because of the way they make you feel. That's what happened to me anyway, and they taste weird and flavourless after all the zingy fresh food.
I was suprised at how I felt when I thought I might be pregnant again when our wee man was 4 months old. I so didn't want to have two babies so close together but a part of me was dissapointed when the stick came back negative.

Happyinthehibiscus said...

Aw! Thanks for voicing things we go through, makes us all feel human and that it is okay to be emotional.

Happyinthehibiscus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AshleyAnn said...

I love reading your blog...and a lot has to do with honest posts like this.

Bummer on the no cream...that is a hard one.

Sara said...

Thanks for sharing this. I had a similar experience this past month. I felt a little crazy after I found out I wasn't pregnant because I'd been having legitimate nausea for a week. I still don't know if it was just the combination of stress and wishful thinking, or a pregnancy that didn't take. Funny the timing, how people speak to an experience you are having.

Beth Haydon said...

Thanks for being so open and honest. I commend you for trying the paleo diet, it is hard to take the plunge, but I have heard so many success stories, and everything I've read about why it works makes so much sense. If you're on a good track now, I don't want to mess you up, but you may want to look at the primal diet, which is VERY much like paleo, but a little modified and some people find it easier. For one, I think you are allowed creamer in your coffee. Anyway, the site marks daily apple has lots of great information on it. Best of luck to you!

[ Peter ] said...

Dear Rachel, I am not going to give you lots of big words, I just want to say thank you for being so brave to share your story on your blog. I just wish I could give you a long and warm hug and make you feel better. You have a wonderful husband, two more wonderful children and I wish you all the best. Kind love and greetings from Belgium, Silke

Megan Marie and Dylan Mae said...

Thank you for sharing, I too am in the same limbo and really enjoyed your post...baby or no baby is still the question for me. If I'm not pregnant which all 4 tests indicate I am not then I start a 6 week cleanse, all the products and info are sitting on my kitchen island as we speak! Good luck with your new "diet" I am about to google it, possibly to go hand in hand with my cleanse!

nova said...

Haha, I was sure that post was going to end with a positive test result. Oh well. :)

I honestly feel like cutting out sugar and dairy would make me feel like a new woman. Maybe I should try it.

sociaLync said...

a giant e-hug to ya!

(ps welcome to the dairy free club!)

Breeanna @ a brilliant melody said...

That would be a difficult thing to have to wait so long for news. At least you learned that you do want another child.

I've been doing research on low-carb diets which is also like a paleo diet. I'm not going totally carb-free, but I'm going to eat more natural foods and cut out the grains and bad carbs.

We'll see how it works!

Ana said...

a big BIG hug! take your time ;)!

Karen M. Andersen said...

I can very much relate Rachel - I have just been through the same thing a couple of weeks ago. My partner and I would like to have another baby. I felt very ill at night time for 2 weeks...same as my pregnancies with my other two children. My period was a week late and I was uncharacteristically emotional and moody. I had a sneaking suspicion that I may be pregnant, but decided to wait till the weekend to see if my period came, and sure enough I started to get some spotting that weekend so thought it was on it's way. I didn't do a test. The spotting lasted a few days and stopped. I still had terrible nausea. Two days later, the period to end all periods started...and nausea and pain like none I had ever experienced. I spent the next week in bed and all of the nausea ended with the conclusion of my period. Even though I never did a test, I am pretty sure I had a miscarriage. It's the only thing that makes sense, especially having had one before. I felt so sad, and I still feel sad, but I am kinda glad that it remains in limbo as my miscarriage I did know about totally destroyed me.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I am really feeling for you Rachel...I don't know what else to say but to send you my prayers and positive thoughts. And, I hope that next time you go through the endless days of testing with those little sticks it has a much happier ending for you.

Love to you...

Karen xx

Jessi said...

I went through a similar thing last month - I was so sure and was the opposite though - afraid to take the test as we have 3 daughters already and are thinking about taking permanent measures to be finished that chapter lol.

Once I knew that wasn't it (or maybe it was?) I still felt a little sad though!

Danielle said...

rachel, i'm so sorry you've been going through this. It is indeed an emotional rollercoaster not knowing either way. And feeling yucky on top of that. Good for you making time for yourself and your family. You are priority. I'm so sorry you went through this, but I am truly excited for you guys for your decision to have another. I wish you guys all the luck! : ) Take care of yourself!

danielle thompson

melissa said...

i *hate* that limbo feeling.
had it myself not too long ago
*hugs* to you and good luck with the paleo diet!
two of my friends are doing it and have nothing but positive things to say!!

Andrea said...

Hey there. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and I never could figure out how to comment to you. Grrr! My computer skills really stink. I finally opened a google account and HERE I AM!!! Anyhow. I totally enjoy reading your blog. YOu are such a insperation. We have SO much in commen it is unreal. I feel your pain with the whole pregnancy thing. I too was in that boat a few months ago and here I sit 13 weeks prego. Your time will come. Be patient and let the man up stairs take control. Good luck with your new eating plan (trying to avoid the "d" word). I look forward to talking to you more. I am extatic that I finally figured out how. Nighty night.

Claudia Almandoz Gerbolini said...

ok...i should definitely b making breakfast for kiddos, or at least wakeing them up...it´s a schoolday! But, no, I´m here and can´t help but right a quick comment to start of another sunny day in violent mexico (jijiji, sad but true, and can´t help but make a joke or 2...or rhyme...). My family and i adjusted our diets drastically after my son got sick. He´s allergic to almost everything man made... which, to be honest, includes lots of poison we´re just used to seeing, digesting, or just don´t know we´re eating. To make it short, to save his life, we started reading and readjusting. Life was complicated at first, then it just got easier, and now we have chickens in the backyard!!!! Change grows on ya! Good luck with the new diet! Clau